In recent weeks, the Premier League has descended into a full-blown existential crisis. VAR is increasingly bobbins, various teams are ruining everybody’s fun by Arsenaling about at set pieces and Arne Slot has made the grim admission that he finds “no joy” in the current lack of swashbuckling action. Naturally, the usual suspects are clutching their pearls, wailing that everything was better back when pitches were bogs and tackles were felonies. Desperate for a Tuesday night shot in the arm, The Best League In The World™ offered viewers a choice of four matches so turgid they bordered on the offensive. One was a goalless void; another’s solitary highlight involved a Leeds substitute pilfering a strategically placed towel; a third saw an Everton win so routine it made a documentary on the history of beige paint look like Mad Max: Fury Road. Ultimately, the only drama to be found was at Molineux – and even there both sets of players decided to wait 70 minutes before bothering to engage in some actual football.
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